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“Your Spirit Guides Are Not Your Personal Assistants”

Ah, beloved — gather round. It’s time for another edition of Sacred Snark Sunday, where we mix shadow work with sass, divine wisdom with side-eye, and sprinkle a little cosmic glitter on the places where our humanity still… how shall we say… jiggles awkwardly.

This week’s theme?
The holy tantrum we throw when our guides, ancestors, spirits, and cosmic companions don’t… you know… DO WHAT WE WANT.

🕯️ Cue dramatic music and one aggressively vibrating solar plexus.

Let’s be honest:
Every single one of us has, at least once, whispered into the void something that essentially translates to:

“Why aren’t you answering me? I lit the candle. I said the thing. I offered the incense. I even refrained from cussing for five whole minutes. Where’s my sign?”

Meanwhile your guides are over there like:

“Sweetheart… we are not DoorDash.”

They don’t deliver cosmic enlightenment on a timer with a tracking number.
They don’t send SMS updates like:

“Your awakening is 3 stops away. Expect delays due to your unresolved abandonment wound.”

No.
They are the mysterious, ancient, slightly chaotic mentors who slip messages into your dreams, rearrange your playlist, send you repeating numbers, and occasionally thump you with a life lesson you did not order but absolutely needed.

And you know what?

They love you enough to ignore your demands in favor of what actually expands you.
Even when you pout.
Even when you spiritually side-eye them.
Even when you threaten to give your devotion to some other deity who has better customer service hours.

This week, the snark is gently aimed at the part of us that wants control.

The part that desperately hopes spirituality will become a vending machine:

• Insert two prayers
• Add one candle
• Press B-12
• Receive Clarity™

But the truth is far more sacred (and far more annoying):
You evolve faster when you stop begging the unseen to do the labor you’re avoiding.

Your guides won’t do your shadow work.
Your ancestors won’t have the hard conversation for you.
Your angels will not answer your texts if you’re ignoring your intuition.
Your deities are not going to reorganize your nervous system while you marinate in self-abandonment.

But they will whisper.

When you slow down.
When you breathe.
When you take responsibility for your becoming.
When you choose devotion over convenience.
When you stop outsourcing your sovereignty.

And that’s the real punchline today:
The universe isn’t ignoring you — it’s redirecting you back to yourself.
Back to your brilliance.
Back to your boundaries.
Back to your heart.
Back to your damn spine.

Because you are not here to be spoon-fed magic —
you are here to become it.
Messy, magnificent, mortal magic.

Sacred Snark Reflection Prompt 😈✨

Where have you been treating the spiritual world like customer service instead of partnership?

Sacred Snark Ritual (lighthearted, but it works)

1. Light a single tealight.
2. Whisper:
   “I release the urge to micromanage the divine.”
3. Then laugh — because you know you’re lying a little — but laugh anyway.
4. Blow out the candle.
5. Do one practical thing today your guides have been gently nudging you toward for months.

🔔 Invitation

Beloved seeker, may this Lantern guide you not with blinding light, but with the soft shimmer of faith reborn. Sit with your vessel, pour gently, and remember: even in silence, the stars are still speaking.

With devotion and wonder,
The Inspired Imaginative | The Devoted Mystic

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